“Dear Mr. Gillon.”
Uh-oh. Nobody puts Mr. in front of my surname unless they want money. It’s kind of like being called “Sir” in a truck stop parking lot.
“Crudcast Cable is offering a unique savings opportunity!”
Yup.
“Now you can have 150 channels of crystal-clear Crudcast Cable, packaged with home telephone service and lightning-fast Internet for…”
However dang many dollars a month they wanted. I forgot, not that I cared all that much to start with. I drive a truck. Mrs. Wandering Gentile only likes three channels, and we can get them with rabbit ears for free.
I shudder to think of what viruses are out there with Justin Bieber’s face on them. I suspect that a few are also on the Internet.
“Our premium 150 Channel Package includes all of your local favorites.”
They don’t carry the low-powered digital channel which happens to be TeleCaramba, my wife’s favorite network. We live close enough to the transmitter to pick up the broadcasts in our fillings.
“We also offer great sports programming from….”
I am the only person in the house who really watches sports at all. I drive a truck. I can tell you which newspapers have decent baseball coverage. It’s not doing me any good when I’m in Walla Walla, picking up apples.
“Crudcast’s news and information selection features great choices from CNN and Fox News.”
My apologies. I just threw up a little in my mouth. CNN is on channel 22. Fox is on 20. MSNBC is on another system.
“For the youngsters in the house, we have Disney, Nickelodeon, and the Cartoon Network.”
Okay, the youngster is almost 44…and rarely has impure thoughts about Selena Gomez any more.
“We also offer several convenient shop-at-home services.”
I have no clue what they have on these shop-at-home services, but I bet they are neither economical nor a very good use of bandwidth. Thankfully, this is not a habit of Mrs. Wandering Gentile’s. Shop NBC could easily be replaced with something from the same corporate family. Gee, could I guess what it might be?
“Crudcast home telephone service offers great connections and unlimited calling within the continental United States.”
My prepaid cell phone carrier offers ALL FIFTY states and Canada, and the Internet. For an extra five dollars a month, we can have unlimited land line connections in sixty countries on my wife’s prepaid carrier. My phone works everywhere but Oklahoma and some parts of West Virginia. Her coverage is a bit less nationwide, but better in Metro Atlanta.
I also don’t like telephones enough to want another one of the damn things which happens to be less versatile than what I have already!
“Crudcast Internet offers the lightning fast speed that you want…”
Yeah, except when a whole bunch of my neighbors discover that the Aguilas are playing the Chivas. Then the thing packs up like the Cross-Bronx Expressway on a Friday afternoon. I may as well try to find out what Rachel Maddow was talking about at 8 by smoke signal.
So I called Crudcast to see how much they would charge me for just Comedy Central, the Cartoon Network, and the Internet, just for grins.
It was 10 dollars more a month, I HAD to take Fox news when I didn’t want it, and Crudcast’s customer service department left a little bit to be desired, which is a nice way of saying that they suck.
If Jasmine stands on Sasha’s shoulders, we can pick up Macon with the rabbit ears.
Uh-oh. Nobody puts Mr. in front of my surname unless they want money. It’s kind of like being called “Sir” in a truck stop parking lot.
“Crudcast Cable is offering a unique savings opportunity!”
Yup.
“Now you can have 150 channels of crystal-clear Crudcast Cable, packaged with home telephone service and lightning-fast Internet for…”
However dang many dollars a month they wanted. I forgot, not that I cared all that much to start with. I drive a truck. Mrs. Wandering Gentile only likes three channels, and we can get them with rabbit ears for free.
I shudder to think of what viruses are out there with Justin Bieber’s face on them. I suspect that a few are also on the Internet.
“Our premium 150 Channel Package includes all of your local favorites.”
They don’t carry the low-powered digital channel which happens to be TeleCaramba, my wife’s favorite network. We live close enough to the transmitter to pick up the broadcasts in our fillings.
“We also offer great sports programming from….”
I am the only person in the house who really watches sports at all. I drive a truck. I can tell you which newspapers have decent baseball coverage. It’s not doing me any good when I’m in Walla Walla, picking up apples.
“Crudcast’s news and information selection features great choices from CNN and Fox News.”
My apologies. I just threw up a little in my mouth. CNN is on channel 22. Fox is on 20. MSNBC is on another system.
“For the youngsters in the house, we have Disney, Nickelodeon, and the Cartoon Network.”
Okay, the youngster is almost 44…and rarely has impure thoughts about Selena Gomez any more.
“We also offer several convenient shop-at-home services.”
I have no clue what they have on these shop-at-home services, but I bet they are neither economical nor a very good use of bandwidth. Thankfully, this is not a habit of Mrs. Wandering Gentile’s. Shop NBC could easily be replaced with something from the same corporate family. Gee, could I guess what it might be?
“Crudcast home telephone service offers great connections and unlimited calling within the continental United States.”
My prepaid cell phone carrier offers ALL FIFTY states and Canada, and the Internet. For an extra five dollars a month, we can have unlimited land line connections in sixty countries on my wife’s prepaid carrier. My phone works everywhere but Oklahoma and some parts of West Virginia. Her coverage is a bit less nationwide, but better in Metro Atlanta.
I also don’t like telephones enough to want another one of the damn things which happens to be less versatile than what I have already!
“Crudcast Internet offers the lightning fast speed that you want…”
Yeah, except when a whole bunch of my neighbors discover that the Aguilas are playing the Chivas. Then the thing packs up like the Cross-Bronx Expressway on a Friday afternoon. I may as well try to find out what Rachel Maddow was talking about at 8 by smoke signal.
So I called Crudcast to see how much they would charge me for just Comedy Central, the Cartoon Network, and the Internet, just for grins.
It was 10 dollars more a month, I HAD to take Fox news when I didn’t want it, and Crudcast’s customer service department left a little bit to be desired, which is a nice way of saying that they suck.
If Jasmine stands on Sasha’s shoulders, we can pick up Macon with the rabbit ears.
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