Any Idiot Can Go Straight

Just a few thoughts about concepts of beauty. Being as your Wandering Gentile lives in a household filled with females ranging in age from seven to none of your damn business, sometimes questions exist about what men find attractive.

An unscientific survey of the Wandering Gentile's friends revealed that no man fantasizes about a nervous six-foot-tall witch with an eating disorder and a cocaine/heroin habit. Please understand that this survey was conducted among heterosexual men between 30 and dead, the majority of whom have well-paying jobs and/or long committed relationships.

So the fashion designers are apparently not appealing to women in the real world, or are longing for a universe of women who could be compared to an even higher-toned version of Cher. There's a happy thought!

What were the men most in favor of?

Curves! Because any idiot can go straight. The vast majority specified their own wives physiques, and even if they did not, your Wandering Gentile ain't telling. When it came to the most desirable female celebrity, an anonymous ballot came up thusly.

Salma Hayek...51% If 40 looks like this, 40 really is the new 20. Unfortunately, 40 also looks like the Wandering Gentile who was born in the same week in 1966. Draw your own conclusion.

Penelope Cruz...14% Salma's "Bandidas" co-star has lept several points on our survey.

Jessica Alba...14% Would have ranked higher, but several respondents went into fibrillation upon seeing her picture.

America Ferrera...7% Ugly Betty really is the new beautiful.

Rosario Dawson...6% We expected better, but she's still quite young.

Madeline Stowe...3% Outstanding showing for a woman who turns 49 this year!

Eva Mendes...2% Only a couple of the guys recognized her name,but most ballots had the page with her picture stuck to the ad for the new Asahi Divine Wind SUV.

Eva Longoria...2% Most guys are a little afraid of her character on Desperate Housewives.

Roselyn Sanchez...1% Another one from the nobody recognized her name file, but all of the respondents had seen Boat Trip repeatedly, and none of them mentioned Cuba Gooding, Junior's acting.

Doris Roberts...1%...this seems to have been Woody's ballot, but he ain't all there in the first place.

Several fads regarding appearance were also mentioned as needing to go away.

Fake Boobies...42% Robin Williams referred to them as "Nazi" boobies; they don't dance, they don't smile, they just stand there all day at attention. Heil happy, but real, A-cups!

The Landing Strip...28% It's like basic training for pedophilia, according to one respondent.

Small Hair...14% Many respondents were nostalgic for the eighties styles. Several were willing to begin wearing parachute pants if women would have big hair again. One offered to regrow his mullet, but due to advanced male pattern baldness would have been required to regrow it on his naughty bits.

Muffin Tops...8% There seemed to be a universal disdain for women who weigh 150 pounds plus wearing pants designed for a woman who weighs 110. One respondent suggested that if his wife puts on her Muffin Top pants again, he's going to show up at her family reunion in a Speedo and nothing else. Respondent weighs 348 pounds.

Camel Toes...6% The issue derived from not being able to readily examine the Camel Toe to ascertain it's true nature on women outside of an intimate relationship. Several respondents were concerned that the Camel Toe may be a pharmaceutically un-endowed man, particularly in parts of California, New York, and Miami.

Eyebrow Reconfiguration...2% These twisted individuals own copies of Frida for all of the wrong reasons. One respondent stated "What the hell was wrong with Anne Hathaway's eyebrows in The Princess Diaries?" Respondent is resting comfortably at a mental health facility in Colorado Springs, operated by Rev. Ted Hagerty's megachurch.

So what are we to understand from this survey?

1. Tall women do not engender as much desire as women who are, in the best Orwellian Politically Correct Doublespeak, not tall.

2. Women who are considered to be too thin are circumspect for drug habits and poor social interaction.

3. Real is better, and sexier.

Gee, one might think that men might judge more about what's inside a woman before putting anything of theirs in there as well...