Tony Hayward Gets His Life Back

It appears that BP has figured out that Tony Blair’s liability to their bottom line goes far, far beyond his million-pound-a-year salary.

This is one of those moments where most of the reasonable world is sitting here going DUH! Hayward has been a leading candidate for a Marie Antoinette Award since the Deepwater Horizon blowout in April.

The Marie Antoinette Award is a big slice of cake ingested directly through the esophagus, because the mouth is no longer connected to the stomach. There are no excuses for tone-deaf pronouncements about getting one’s life back; the “little people”; a billion gallons of crude cut loose in the Gulf of Mexico not being that big a deal.

Revelations of dead porpoises, sea turtles burned alive, cleanup workers without access to safety equipment, and Corexit causing rectal bleeding were similarly unconstructive. At the moment, the only thing Republicans and Democrats agree on is that they hate BP.

For a lot of people, the dead sea critters were the deal breaker. Porpoises and Sea Turtles are extremely sympathetic. If someone had any sense, someone would have accentuated something positive like dead jellyfish. Nobody likes jellyfish. They sting and appear to serve no great purpose.

Nope. Pictures of Flipper lying dead on the beach were what came out. That is the moment when one needs to wave a white flag, shut the hell up, and stop making things worse.

Tony Hayward did not have that kind of sense. He got a wild hair to go yachting off England, in a nice, clean ocean. This was after he told the press he “wanted his life back.” He is lucky he does not have to ask for his HEAD back.

The sad part is that the majority of the people who are going to get hurt are not BP executives. They are for the most part pensioners in the UK and the US who trusted their retirement to British Petroleum. Their stock takes it in the tuchas, but Tony Hayward and his cronies won’t lose a farthing.

This is a short lesson in crisis management for the incoming executive at BP. Let’s use the recent disaster as a template of what to do.

Upon hearing of a major screw-up which includes eleven dead, PICK UP A BLOODY PHONE and contact the media in the nearest large city. Once WWL and WDSU in New Orleans have been assuaged, move to step two.

Step two is to at least LOOK accountable. You call Richard Branson and bring a significant number of staff from London on a chartered airliner straight into Louis Armstrong International. You have 48 hours to get your happy ass on the ground at the disaster site.

Step three is obvious. You need two dozen truckloads of Dawn dishwashing detergent rolling to Grand Isle within 72 hours. And a bunch of toothbrushes. Spend an hour every morning on the beach with a coffee can, a toothbrush, and some dish soap.

This does not mean that your life will not suck until you get the blowout capped, but you will continue to have a life once people have forgotten about your indiscretion. It also assures that your company is not on the verge of getting shut down or nationalized in the country where it is operating. It also means that the investors whose interests you are in charge of protecting do not get wiped out.

Finally, should you find yourself in front of investigators, particularly a political body, remember that YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. There is nothing you can do to appear sympathetic. You have just been caught with your knickers down. This is not a shakedown when you are being held accountable for your own mess.

If someone should attempt to make you out to be the victim, make it clear that you are responsible for a giant problem, and you do not see where living up to your responsibilities makes you a victim.

At this point, you and your dealers are back on the path to profitability.

One hopes that Mr Hayward will enjoy Russia as much as Czar Nicholas.

In 1917.