When Only The Worst Will Do

Attorney General Eric Holder has reversed a ruling made late in the Bush Administration that defendants in deportation cases may not appeal based upon inadequate counsel. Apparently, former Attorney General Mukasey was under the illusion that the US government was not required to follow the constitution here any more than in Guantanamo Bay.

Whatever, we here at the Wandering Gentile applaud the fact that the Obama administration feels that due process may suffer when an attorney graduated from Ray-Ray's House of Tacos and Accredited Law School of Mabelvale, AR, instead of, say, Harvard or Yale.

It is now important for defendants in deportation cases to find incompetent attorneys. As a service to undocumented persons who are innocent until proven guilty, your Wandering Gentile is offering advice on picking a bad attorney.

1. His office is a single-wide mobile home encircled by a chain-link fence.

2. His image car is a Kia Sephia.

3. His legal books are all paperback. Some of them were written by Dean Koontz. The shelf is made from cinder blocks and planks.

4. During consultation, he participates in an animated conversation with his "baby mama," because the child support check bounced.

5. The same animated conversation ends when his Trac Fone runs out of minutes, and his service abruptly cuts off.

6. Confronted by the word "tort," he asks for extra whipped cream on his.

7. His laptop is the approximate size of a Chevette. It operates on a Windows system that uses a Roman numeral like "I.I/VIII."

8. He asks for a change of venue because he has an outstanding warrant.

9. A plastic bag from Dollar Tree serves as his briefcase.

10. He shows up for court with a gold tooth, oversize aviator shades, and a "13" sweatshirt from an urban haberdasher.

11. He brings a QT chili dog to court because he missed breakfast.

12. His opening statements include an imitation of a Dodge Dart on a cold morning.

13. He refers to the judge as "you old pickle-smoker," instead of "your honor."

14. He returns from lunch wearing a Long John Silver's paper pirate hat, and most of a hush puppy.

15. During his closing statement, he moons the bailiff while consulting his "legal briefs."

Maybe there was a reason he had to advertise on daytime television...