Spanish TV and Led Zeppelin

As a result of my intercultural marriage, I am blessed with the opportunity to watch a lot of programming on the TeleCaramba network. There are only two problems.

I understand what's going on, and my wife and hijastras will not allow me to do something about it by turning the volume off and listening to Led Zeppelin instead. TeleCaramba would most appropriately serve as imagery backed by The Immigrant Song.

The top-rated show on TeleCaramba is a telenovela produced by Mexico's XCRTA-TV/TV Chilango called El Querubin, or "The Cherub." The Cherub is the story of a Very Poor Young Woman who was born a Very Rich Baby, but was given to the Church when her mother was mistakenly diagnosed with a brain tumor which turned out to be sinusitis. There are great opportunities to make this very campy and funny, but none have been taken as of yet.

The Very Poor Young Woman and her infant are perpetually imperiled, facing certain death approximately 3.2 times per every one-hour episode. Again, this could be made funny, owing to the sheer exaggeration of precarious situations, but the only thing more serious than a Bridezilla is a Latina watching her novela.

Hijastra la Mayor dared to express concern for the infant's outcome on El Querubin. Once. I explained that nothing was going to happen. First of all, we were ten minutes into the start of the show. Second of all was that the vast number of men associated with the novela and working for the various broadcasters playing a novela that dared to harm the infant would be scheduled for immediate castration.

If one understands the dialog, this program begins to grate upon the viewer almost immediately. The only thing worse than the padded rehash of Cinderella they call a script is the actress portraying the Very Poor Young Woman. Her only visible attribute is a pair of spectacularly thick eyebrows. However, judging from her acting, one suspects that she could consume a McDonald's milkshake with a coffee stirrer. How else could someone get a role that only required hugging something and crying for most of every episode?

Should the volume be turned off, one could invent his own script while listening to Robert Plant belt out Dazed and Confused.

On the bright side, El Querubin is not the Miami-based topical talk show, ?Quien Grita Mas Fuerte?

?Quien Grita Mas Fuerte? features an unappealing host, a robust, blond-bewigged woman whose dimensions approximate those of a Dodge Caravan, and guests of such unattractiveness as to inspire a rebirth of enthusiasm for eugenics. This program makes Jerry Springer look like Manners Day at the Junior League.

Sadly, ?Quien Grita Mas Fuerte? is produced by TeleCaramba in Florida, but none of the principals has, as of yet, been eaten by an alligator or a sink hole. As a result of being produced in the United States, ?Quien Grita Mas Fuerte? is not subject to the more conservative standards of the subsequent XCRTA-produced tabloid Impacto Rojo (Red Impact) which implies bloodiness and gruesomeness but is actually quite tame. Impacto Rojo seldom shows anything more controversial than a two-headed Venezuelan goat.

Which is preferable, D'yer Maker, or Hugo Chavez ranting? Yeah, you get my point.

Finally we get to TeleCaramba Noticias en Accion, or TeleCaramba Action News. It is instantly recognizable to anyone who has watched the local news in a major metropolitan area. Everything is there, right down to the Centro de Satelites, or Satellite Center. That would be a bunch of monitors in the basement.

And The Song Remains The Same.