Osama bin Laden, 51, of Not a Secret Cave Any Damn More, Waziristan, was killed on or about 5 November when a Predator Drone landed in his couscous.
In a moment evocative of the late Jack Anderson, your Wandering Gentile has obtained a transcript of a conversation between two bin Laden henchmen, Farj al-Kufri and Hasan ibn Xanith.
FK: (Intercourse!) They got Osama!
HX: The (intercourse?) When?
FK: The other night.
HX: (Excrement.) Now what are we going to do?
FK: We aren't going to say (male genitalia.) The Yanks are going to have a field day with the death of the Leader.
(Static)
FK, HX: YAAAAAH!!!
HX: How did they find him?
FK: Somebody at the Circuit City in Islamabad spotted him. A dude who stands a meter-ninety two, has a scraggly beard, has not bathed in the last seven years, and speaks poor Urdu sticks out in Pakistan. Believe it or not.
HX: I warned him about his love for technology and gadgets. He spent several weeks last year trying to find a cave with cellular service for his I-Phone. On the bright side, Pakistan Bell Cellular is not going to hold al Qaeda to the leader's contract.
FK: That's mighty Islamic of them. What about Dialysis Time Kidney Machines and Minivans?
HX: Who do you think sent the predator drone?
FK: I thought it could have been the Waziristan Electrical Management Cooperative.
HX: Can we spin this?
FK: Not just no, but (excrement) no. Without Osama, we're like the Stones without Mick Jagger. Wings without Paul McCartney. The (intercourse) you think, dude? We're screwed.
HX: Look, maybe we can pull something out of our ass. We send a video out from al-Zawahiri where he gets racist on Obama, how he's a sellout and a traitor. Maybe that works?
FK: Well, it's probably better than nothing which is all we got right now. You got anything we can hit? Los Angeles? Waco?
HX: You're gonna have to come up with something closer than that. Osama was financing the whole thing with his ATM card, and he never got around to giving me his (almightily condemned) PIN code. We got enough to get maybe to the Khyber Pass, and a phone card to call our cell in Mumbai.
FK: What about our cells in the United States? We had operations in a dozen cities!
HX: "Had" is the operative tense here. Our cells in New York, Chicago, Miami, San Francisco, Cleveland, and Detroit went bust when the economy tanked. Our fronts in L.A., Vegas, and Phoenix were foreclosed. St. Louis and Milwaukee switched their affiliation to Hamas.
FK: That leaves a city! What about Atlanta?
HX: It gets worse. Atlanta got tangled up with Cynthia McKinney when she discovered that we killled Tupac. His future would have been longer in al Aqsa.
FK: Well, we still have the support of our frinds in the Bush family.
HX: Oh, that's just (having intercourse) great. When the economy over there tanked, Bush wound up being three points less popular than Osama. However, that's still within the margin of error. When gas hit four bucks a gallon, Bush may as well have flown the planes instead of listening to a child read My Pet Goat.
FK: (Eeeeeexcrement.) This sucks. Our leader is dead. Our movement is broke. We're (excrement) out of favors with anyone. Can we offer a fitting epitaph to our beloved departed Osama?
HX: It doesn't look like it.
FK: We may as well not give Bush a (condemned) thing, and maybe we slow Obama's (small beast of burden) down just a hair looking for us. In late January we announce that Osama died of natural causes.
HX: Allah be praised! Osama always enjoyed screwing his benefactors.
In a moment evocative of the late Jack Anderson, your Wandering Gentile has obtained a transcript of a conversation between two bin Laden henchmen, Farj al-Kufri and Hasan ibn Xanith.
FK: (Intercourse!) They got Osama!
HX: The (intercourse?) When?
FK: The other night.
HX: (Excrement.) Now what are we going to do?
FK: We aren't going to say (male genitalia.) The Yanks are going to have a field day with the death of the Leader.
(Static)
FK, HX: YAAAAAH!!!
HX: How did they find him?
FK: Somebody at the Circuit City in Islamabad spotted him. A dude who stands a meter-ninety two, has a scraggly beard, has not bathed in the last seven years, and speaks poor Urdu sticks out in Pakistan. Believe it or not.
HX: I warned him about his love for technology and gadgets. He spent several weeks last year trying to find a cave with cellular service for his I-Phone. On the bright side, Pakistan Bell Cellular is not going to hold al Qaeda to the leader's contract.
FK: That's mighty Islamic of them. What about Dialysis Time Kidney Machines and Minivans?
HX: Who do you think sent the predator drone?
FK: I thought it could have been the Waziristan Electrical Management Cooperative.
HX: Can we spin this?
FK: Not just no, but (excrement) no. Without Osama, we're like the Stones without Mick Jagger. Wings without Paul McCartney. The (intercourse) you think, dude? We're screwed.
HX: Look, maybe we can pull something out of our ass. We send a video out from al-Zawahiri where he gets racist on Obama, how he's a sellout and a traitor. Maybe that works?
FK: Well, it's probably better than nothing which is all we got right now. You got anything we can hit? Los Angeles? Waco?
HX: You're gonna have to come up with something closer than that. Osama was financing the whole thing with his ATM card, and he never got around to giving me his (almightily condemned) PIN code. We got enough to get maybe to the Khyber Pass, and a phone card to call our cell in Mumbai.
FK: What about our cells in the United States? We had operations in a dozen cities!
HX: "Had" is the operative tense here. Our cells in New York, Chicago, Miami, San Francisco, Cleveland, and Detroit went bust when the economy tanked. Our fronts in L.A., Vegas, and Phoenix were foreclosed. St. Louis and Milwaukee switched their affiliation to Hamas.
FK: That leaves a city! What about Atlanta?
HX: It gets worse. Atlanta got tangled up with Cynthia McKinney when she discovered that we killled Tupac. His future would have been longer in al Aqsa.
FK: Well, we still have the support of our frinds in the Bush family.
HX: Oh, that's just (having intercourse) great. When the economy over there tanked, Bush wound up being three points less popular than Osama. However, that's still within the margin of error. When gas hit four bucks a gallon, Bush may as well have flown the planes instead of listening to a child read My Pet Goat.
FK: (Eeeeeexcrement.) This sucks. Our leader is dead. Our movement is broke. We're (excrement) out of favors with anyone. Can we offer a fitting epitaph to our beloved departed Osama?
HX: It doesn't look like it.
FK: We may as well not give Bush a (condemned) thing, and maybe we slow Obama's (small beast of burden) down just a hair looking for us. In late January we announce that Osama died of natural causes.
HX: Allah be praised! Osama always enjoyed screwing his benefactors.
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