Lobs Doo Tonight

(Musical fanfare, Cable Network News-not to be confused with the same words in a different order despite identical initials-logo on screen.)

This is Lobs Doo tonight, with news, debate and opinion for tonight...aw who cares? It's the same thing every night. And now your host, Mister Co-Dependent, Lobs Doo!

LD: Tonight we begin with a new threat to our security on our southern border. It appears that millions of criminal illegal aliens are clogging the customs checkpoints at Nuevo Laredo, Tijuana, Juarez, and other crossings into Mexico. For the full story, we go to Kitty Litter, live, on Interstate 35 in Cotulla, Texas.

KL: Lobs, the scene here is absolute pandemonium. At approximately ten last night, undocumented aliens from all over the United States...

LD: Criminal illegal aliens...

KL: Riiiiight... anyway, they all left their homes beginning at ten Eastern time last night.

(Pan to shot of vehicles, most spectacularly overloaded, in a long queue southbound on I35.)

LD: (Face very pale) All of them?

KL: What, are you deaf? All of them. Gone. Vamoosed. Like Napoleon. Out. Of. Here. Mexican authorities are struggling to keep up with the paperwork to repatriate the millions who are showing up at border control on most major routes from Brownsville to San Ysidro...

LD: Well it figures! These criminal illegal aliens have no respect for our laws, but obey the law when returning to their countries!

KL: Yeah. Ah, the Texas Department of Transportation estimates traffic is at a full stop on Interstate 35 from Laredo to mile marker 230 near Austin. Back ups on all major routes into Mexico range from 180 to 260 miles in Texas, and CalTrans reports that Interstate 5 is gridlocked from Sacramento to the border, a distance of approximately 500 miles.

LD: Well how do you like that. Are these fools so unaware to realize that these roads are built with the mission of our national defense?

KL: Lobs, it appears that they don't really give a rat's ass. Cable Network News spoke with one undocumented alien...

LD: Criminal illegal alien!

KL: Whatever. Anyway, this is what he had to say.

UA: Esta bien. No nos quieren, y decidimos ir todos a una vez. !Que disfruten el trafico, cabrones!

LD: What the hell did he just say?

KL: Your wife is of Mexican ancestry. Ask her. But it didn't seem nice, I can tell you that. It appears that the Calderon government has offered passage to any person wanting to return home from Mexico if they are not citizens of Mexico, and fuel for any Mexican citizen wishing to return from the United States, as a goodwill gesture.

LD: (Mugging for camera) At least the money for this won't come from the pockets of our shrinking middle class!

KL: Lobs, you seem to have no idea what kind of a world of hurt the shrinking middle class is in.

LD: (Still mugging) I have always been an advocate for the rights of middle class Americans! I'm a populist!

KL: Oh, cut the crap, Lobs. You went to Harvard, and you're an economist...

LD: Don't forget best-selling author and radio host as well as television pundit. (Grins widely)

KL: I didn't. You talked all over me. The point of this being that you have about as much in common with the American middle class as the Queen of England does. The fact of the matter is that the agricultural industry in California is ruined, as is meat-packing in the midwest and south, construction everywhere...

LD: These are well-paying jobs that will go to hard-working white Americans...

KL: Not to mention the services which were supported by these communities in nearly every major city in the United States. The jobs which were filled had no line of people waiting to bust their ass at eight or nine dollars an hour. This line of cars on I35 has the potential to harm the United States economy in a way that makes Osama look like somebody robbing a 7-Eleven. For a Harvard economist, you're pretty dumb, Lobs.

LD: Well, I hardly think you're qual...

KL: Oh, come off it, Lobs! The governments of 18 Latin American countries have agreed to citizenship and property rights for the families of returning citizens, and now we have the governments of several European and Asian powers offering low-interest credit guarantees to persons returning to poorer countries with at least a secondary education.

LD: Well, that's great. Our friends around the world have done us a huge favor in solving the illegal immigration crisis in the United States.

KL: God almighty, are you really that thick, or are you merely using narcotics? This is not a favor. This is a problem of the first magnitude. When the EU, the Middle East, China, India, Japan, and the rest of these countries decided to lower their trade barriers...

LD: Open borders and so-called free trade...

KL: ...worked in the nineties.

LD: ...are among the greatest killers of good-paying jobs for our endangered middle class.

KL: Yeah, well, I don't know about you, but GM and Ford just opened factories in Latin America, and they're closing them up here.

LD: Another example of outsourcing and another attack on the middle class!

KL: Those cars are being exported, built to the standards of most overseas markets, and keeping Detroit profitable.

LD: So big business outsources and fat cats get rich while the American worker suffers.

KL: Actually, the American worker has suffered from the opinion in Detroit that all Americans want wasteful machines, despite the fact that the only manufacturers who have grown offered economical, modestly sized choices, built in the United States. But you drive one of those gas hogs, don't you, Lobs?

LD: (Proudly) A '95 Silverado!

KL: Good Lord, even Hannity bought a hybrid... Lobs, is that Silverado paid off?

LD: Of course.

KL: You may wish to hold on to it. It occurs to me that these cars going over the border are taking your career with them. If you don't have any undocumented aliens, you don't have much of a show.

LD: (Silence)

KL: Lobs? Lobs? LOBS?

LD: What are these idiots in Washington thinking?? We need to give amnesty to all undocumented immigrants!! Our nation cannot survive without the contribution that these brave individuals, who risked life and limb, make to this great land...