The Gentle Reader's forgiveness is begged. Your Wandering Gentile has been living in Girl World so long that he had not been to see Manny, Moe, and Jack since he and Moses (Horowitz)were working on an Oldsmobile together. One becomes inured to, if not indoctrinated in, Cute Shoes, Romance, and the ennui of nice.
Dude World recently made a roaring, drunken midnight phone call and connected deep within the confines of the Girl World inner sanctum where your Wandering Gentile dwells. You see, ABC Nightline did a segment on sexting. As if no one could have foreseen that teenagers and others with self-esteem issues might send naked pictures of themselves to others.
One imagines the very short time frame between the invention of the camera-equipped cell phone and the first sext, but one also imagines that quantum physicists have not established a reliable measure of such a short time frame.
Dude World rang with the revelation that one of the squeaky-clean, provisionally adult (old enough for voting, but not for drinking) female stars of a Disney entertainment franchise was photographed in the altogether. In the interest of responsible commentary, your Wandering Gentile was compelled to examine the uncensored photograph, several times. It was also bookmarked, and locked away behind a passcode.
Aside from being unable to dislodge The Cars' Moving In Stereo from my head, I feel quite well. Really.
The first shock upon seeing the photo was a discovery: pelt is back! Yes, the landing strip look sported by the dysfunctionally shorn singer-which made her appear as if she were smuggling an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich between her thighs-does not work for everyone. To the eight Vegans who are not yet on notice, wearing fur is okay if one grows one's own. Robin Williams is undoubtedly thrilled.
It is easy enough to imagine the things going through her father's mind. He is my contemporary. First of all, he does not wish to reminded that his daughter is a full-growed hottie, under any circumstances, by his contemporaries.
One would not wish to be the photographer of record, specifically at the moment that the young actress in question discards the photographer for a more suitable male companion. Speculation exists that the is her squeaky-clean male co-star from the Disney entertainment franchise.
Note to the co-star: having a male appendage and working in a family-oriented Disney project is like being Levi Johnston or a guy not named Scotty wearing a red shirt on Star Trek. You are defined as "expendable." Most of your fan base has moved on to Twilight, the author of which was treated was treated much too kindly by Stephen King.
Many of the girls swooning over the co-star and Twilight are likely to remember both as their parents recall St. Elmo's Fire...and promptly hide the medium where the file is stored. Much better, one sees, for avoiding the wrath of critical children.
Regrettably, several provisions of constitutional law, specifically enjoinders upon cruel and unusual punishment, prohibit the co-star from being locked up and obligated to watch his own films.
However, the actress' father has likely entertained the fantasy of presenting her co-star to a very large Corcoran inmate who has spent significant time without companionship. The resulting mayhem could be videographed by Michael Eisner, with the co-star's 1970-71 Bobby Brady haircut in peculiar juxtaposition to the Corcoran inmate, as the object of an industry-specific short-subject, So You Want To Renegotiate Your Disney Contract?
As much as the actress' father, Michael Eisner, the Corcoran inmate and I would sincerely enjoy realizing the preceding scenario, the most likely outcome is little better. The 405 and the 101 are filled with former teen idols racing to Hollywood auditions for cable-TV reality shows in dilapidated cars with their CHECK ENGINE lights glowing. One cannot walk down the street in Venice without tripping over Leif Garrett or a Bay City Roller.
When the bad haircut turns to a Wandering Gentile haircut, and he spends his afternoons trying to hook up with soccer moms who recall his heyday 30 years before, the co-star will be able to answer one question.
Is it better to be a has been at 24, or a never was at 42?
13 April 2009
11 April 2009
The Truth And Bad American
Kudos to Gentle Reader La Bruja of Venable City, Georgia, for the heads up on this e-mail. I would have provided a link but the craven bully who wrote a a rambling, disorganized discourse under the pseudonym "Bad American," but he didn't want to be linked to his cowardly repetition of fifteen-year-old Rush Limbaugh talking points.
Instead, we will attempt, through the use of the talking points employed by Mr. Bad American, to refute the propaganda of the right. Apparently these twits do not feel that America is large enough to hold an opinion other than their own vision of an all-white, technically Christian, English-speaking only nation that only existed on old episodes of Leave It To Beaver.
To the "Bad American," I am your worst nightmare. I am a southern, white, Christian, native speaker of English. I am also a LIBERAL, as is my President, my congress, and if we are fortunate, the Supreme Court. Very simply, conservatism has screwed up. Conservatism's strongest voices have moved from controlling the growth of Government and limiting its role to using Government to realize a vision of America which is closer to Hitler's Germany than the Nation I love.
I am proud of the millions of brave Americans who gave everything to face down the evil which would force those with whom they disagree from their jobs, homes and countries, if not declaring them "illegal," and committing genocide. Mr. Bad American, and proud conservative, why do you hate America? Does E Pluribus Unum only apply to Canadians who are unhappy with their health care system?
Our record with people not descended from northern Europe is abysmal. This does not suggest nobility or victimhood, but it does mean that people like YOU will not be allowed to dismiss a qualified LaToya Suarez from the inner city to employ an unqualified Laurie Shropshire from the suburbs.
Likewise, it appears that you have a great disdain for capitalism and profit. If a business owner chooses to make his products and services available to a broader market by employing bilingual staff, more power to him. In nine years of truck driving, over 48 states, I have as yet to find a place where I cannot order the meal of my choice, anywhere in the United States, in English.
If that business owner needs a bilingual staff because his market demands it, that is the business owner's decision. It is not up to you and government to ruin the man's business because you don't like his customers. This kind of disconnect is common to conservatives. I have thirty years of listening to Conservatives promise limited government, but every time I turn around they're making another law to restrict freedom.
If conservatives don't want to hear Spanish, they pass an English-only bill. If some competitor makes their unmotivated children look like the lazy, video-game addicted tubs of lard that many of them are, Conservatives will move the bar on immigration so their children don't have to compete as hard. If a Conservative feels that someone is moving into the position of succeding without their permission, they will perpetually find obstacles to that success.
At this rate, limited conservative government is on a track to make government bigger than Nancy Pelosi's wildest dream. The last three presidents who did not grow the federal deficit over their terms? Clinton, Carter, and Lyndon Johnson. The last Republican to leave a balanced budget? Dwight Eisenhower, with a top marginal tax rate of 90% So much for the myth about Tax and Spend Liberals.
Deregulation of out Financial services has cost American taxpayers more in the last year than four and a half DECADES of Great Society entitlement programs. These same programs are much less responsible for the lack of two-parent homes in some communities than a failed policy of drug interdiction and incarceration.
Do I want police to deal with someone committing a crime? Sure. But drug laws such as New York's Harriman laws, and zero-tolerance policies have filled our prisons with many people who are fundamentally harmless and stimulated a violent and highly profitable black market. I will believe that race is not a factor in enforcement when the stoners in Dunwoody and Sandy Springs (affluent, predominately white Atlanta suburbs) do time in similar proportions to African-American and Latino offenders.
Everyone has the right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. Conservatives do not have the right to use a public venue to require that others pray to the God of Conservative election. One also questions the appropriateness of God's name on currency, but He may actually be all that stands between the US and hyperinflation. Of course, quite a few Conservatives have the inability to see the similarities between Tim McVeigh, Eric Rudolph, Fred Phelps and Osama bin Laden.
The Greatest Americans of the last century were people of action and courage. The men and women who served us in World War II, represented by President John F. Kennedy. Those who risked being murdered by their compatriots for participating in the Civil Rights Movement, represented by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Rosa Parks. And those who felt that it was America's responsibilty to live up to its promise for those marginalized by politics, language, class, and historical animosities, represented by Edward R. Murrow and Cesar Chavez.
As an entire class, the NASA program deserves mention before any motorbike. Any putz with enough cash can buy a bike. NASA is America at its best, literally going where no man had ever been.
Before suggesting that those in Florida were unable to decipher the 2000 butterfly ballot, one asks if there were steps that should have been in place to assure that it was clearly produced. Let's just blame Ralph Nader and go get a beer-Ralphie has been as bad for America as most Conservatives.
If one dislikes people soliciting donations in intersections, there's a great word called no, and it needs no translation into Spanish. The issue is that an unemployment rate of nearly ten per cent means that people who really do need assistance are in positions of begging with the chronically lazy. Which one of them is Jesus? He ain't the one in a US$40,000 SUV.
Illegal is only Illegal when judged by a court of law. What part of "innocent until proven guilty," do Conservatives not understand? Until then "Illegal" is slanderous/libelous and likely actionable in civil court. One hopes that someone from MALDEF gets Lou Dobbs with this one.
As far as Mr. Bad American's desire for only the American flag to fly in the United States, we share his enthusiasm. But before we invest ourselves in taking action against symbols of living nations, states, and territories which may have legitimate connection to ethnicity, we need to move against the only banner which was the standard that flew over an act of overt treason as defined by the United States Constitution: The Confederate Battle Flag.
God never left our country. We left Him and his lessons about love, mercy, and tolerance. We are free because of the brave who share the vow to uphold, protect and defend the United States Constitution.
Perhaps Mr. Bad American and his Conservative cohorts should try it sometime.
Instead, we will attempt, through the use of the talking points employed by Mr. Bad American, to refute the propaganda of the right. Apparently these twits do not feel that America is large enough to hold an opinion other than their own vision of an all-white, technically Christian, English-speaking only nation that only existed on old episodes of Leave It To Beaver.
To the "Bad American," I am your worst nightmare. I am a southern, white, Christian, native speaker of English. I am also a LIBERAL, as is my President, my congress, and if we are fortunate, the Supreme Court. Very simply, conservatism has screwed up. Conservatism's strongest voices have moved from controlling the growth of Government and limiting its role to using Government to realize a vision of America which is closer to Hitler's Germany than the Nation I love.
I am proud of the millions of brave Americans who gave everything to face down the evil which would force those with whom they disagree from their jobs, homes and countries, if not declaring them "illegal," and committing genocide. Mr. Bad American, and proud conservative, why do you hate America? Does E Pluribus Unum only apply to Canadians who are unhappy with their health care system?
Our record with people not descended from northern Europe is abysmal. This does not suggest nobility or victimhood, but it does mean that people like YOU will not be allowed to dismiss a qualified LaToya Suarez from the inner city to employ an unqualified Laurie Shropshire from the suburbs.
Likewise, it appears that you have a great disdain for capitalism and profit. If a business owner chooses to make his products and services available to a broader market by employing bilingual staff, more power to him. In nine years of truck driving, over 48 states, I have as yet to find a place where I cannot order the meal of my choice, anywhere in the United States, in English.
If that business owner needs a bilingual staff because his market demands it, that is the business owner's decision. It is not up to you and government to ruin the man's business because you don't like his customers. This kind of disconnect is common to conservatives. I have thirty years of listening to Conservatives promise limited government, but every time I turn around they're making another law to restrict freedom.
If conservatives don't want to hear Spanish, they pass an English-only bill. If some competitor makes their unmotivated children look like the lazy, video-game addicted tubs of lard that many of them are, Conservatives will move the bar on immigration so their children don't have to compete as hard. If a Conservative feels that someone is moving into the position of succeding without their permission, they will perpetually find obstacles to that success.
At this rate, limited conservative government is on a track to make government bigger than Nancy Pelosi's wildest dream. The last three presidents who did not grow the federal deficit over their terms? Clinton, Carter, and Lyndon Johnson. The last Republican to leave a balanced budget? Dwight Eisenhower, with a top marginal tax rate of 90% So much for the myth about Tax and Spend Liberals.
Deregulation of out Financial services has cost American taxpayers more in the last year than four and a half DECADES of Great Society entitlement programs. These same programs are much less responsible for the lack of two-parent homes in some communities than a failed policy of drug interdiction and incarceration.
Do I want police to deal with someone committing a crime? Sure. But drug laws such as New York's Harriman laws, and zero-tolerance policies have filled our prisons with many people who are fundamentally harmless and stimulated a violent and highly profitable black market. I will believe that race is not a factor in enforcement when the stoners in Dunwoody and Sandy Springs (affluent, predominately white Atlanta suburbs) do time in similar proportions to African-American and Latino offenders.
Everyone has the right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to. Conservatives do not have the right to use a public venue to require that others pray to the God of Conservative election. One also questions the appropriateness of God's name on currency, but He may actually be all that stands between the US and hyperinflation. Of course, quite a few Conservatives have the inability to see the similarities between Tim McVeigh, Eric Rudolph, Fred Phelps and Osama bin Laden.
The Greatest Americans of the last century were people of action and courage. The men and women who served us in World War II, represented by President John F. Kennedy. Those who risked being murdered by their compatriots for participating in the Civil Rights Movement, represented by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Rosa Parks. And those who felt that it was America's responsibilty to live up to its promise for those marginalized by politics, language, class, and historical animosities, represented by Edward R. Murrow and Cesar Chavez.
As an entire class, the NASA program deserves mention before any motorbike. Any putz with enough cash can buy a bike. NASA is America at its best, literally going where no man had ever been.
Before suggesting that those in Florida were unable to decipher the 2000 butterfly ballot, one asks if there were steps that should have been in place to assure that it was clearly produced. Let's just blame Ralph Nader and go get a beer-Ralphie has been as bad for America as most Conservatives.
If one dislikes people soliciting donations in intersections, there's a great word called no, and it needs no translation into Spanish. The issue is that an unemployment rate of nearly ten per cent means that people who really do need assistance are in positions of begging with the chronically lazy. Which one of them is Jesus? He ain't the one in a US$40,000 SUV.
Illegal is only Illegal when judged by a court of law. What part of "innocent until proven guilty," do Conservatives not understand? Until then "Illegal" is slanderous/libelous and likely actionable in civil court. One hopes that someone from MALDEF gets Lou Dobbs with this one.
As far as Mr. Bad American's desire for only the American flag to fly in the United States, we share his enthusiasm. But before we invest ourselves in taking action against symbols of living nations, states, and territories which may have legitimate connection to ethnicity, we need to move against the only banner which was the standard that flew over an act of overt treason as defined by the United States Constitution: The Confederate Battle Flag.
God never left our country. We left Him and his lessons about love, mercy, and tolerance. We are free because of the brave who share the vow to uphold, protect and defend the United States Constitution.
Perhaps Mr. Bad American and his Conservative cohorts should try it sometime.
28 March 2009
Escorts A La Parrilla (Grilled Escorts)
An arsonist is targeting green Ford Escorts, approximately fifteen years old, in Medford, Oregon.
That Arsonist is a long way from being "right," starting with nascent pyromania and ending with his choice of target.
The Ford Escort of the nineties was a good kind of cheap, like a bologna sandwich made from name brand fixings. It was a great bologna sandwich on wheels, but that's all it ever would be. The engines had useful horsepower, and they were decent handlers on good tires, but it was purpose-built for transparency, universally adequate and uninspiring. The GT models charmed with 40 extra horsepower elicited the passion reserved for nude photos of Meryl Streep. (I'll look, but I doubt that I will become aroused.)
It was not bad, but it left the driver with the sense of being transported passively, much as if one had used public transit. It was cheap, dull, and until the recent unpleasantness, disposable.
Family members would give Escorts away until the point where nine-year-olds would curse about the potential cost of disposing of yet another Ford Escort. The well-meaning relative would be attempting to impress a kid and inspire a lifelong automotive enthusiasm. The nine-year-old would be lamenting the lack of a cash offering to be leveraged into the purchase of a bootleg copy of Grand Theft Auto:Peach City, featuring an even more phallic doppelganger for Atlanta's Westin Peachtree Plaza hotel.
This led to the employ of the first strategic abandonment technique: Enlist a tallish 12-to-15-year-old sibling, that young'un with the fever for getting behind the wheel of anything, and some of the ability to do something about it. Drive the Escort to a rough neighborhood, and leave it with the keys in the switch, the title on the driver's seat, with the windows open.
That would be how the police would find the Escort, often with the keys to hot-list luxury imports under the windshield wiper. These Escorts would find their way back to their rightful owners who had to lose another five bucks worth of GTA:PC savings on gas to try and dump the thing again.
In the nearly twenty year history of Escort-dumping this technique only worked once, at the home of one Austin Morris, in the Happy Holiday Acres Manufactured Home Plaza (nee Mobile Home Park), Emerson, Georgia. Mr. Austin Morris is a good friend and somewhat computer literate, promising to raise your Wandering Gentile's readership percentage by double digits...someday. He did quite well scavenging useful bits from abandoned Escorts and keeping his pricipal Escort in as-new condition.
On 12 May, 2005, while visiting his mother in Decatur, a freak windstorm removed Mr. Morris' Zayre Garden Storage Shed, featuring enough mechanical components to assemble up to six complete Escorts, given an adequate supply of bodies. Rumors of Escort parts raining in Hinesville, nearly 300 miles away, have been so viciously denied by authorities in Liberty County and on Fort Stewart that we are forced to believe that the rumors are true.
Mr. Morris, lacking the desire to continue using his wrench set, or collect his parts in Southeast Georgia, became a Toyota man, and hasn't had to fix squat since. And this has nothing to do with an individual torching Escorts 3000 miles away in Oregon. Yet.
The other Escort disposal technique was a much more successful codicil in the NAFTA treaty. Escorts are required to be towed out of the country as a condition of registering a Ford or Nissan pickup from the United States in Mexico. Of the 17 million Escorts manufactured between 1981 and 2001, fully 14 million have been expatriated/repatriated to Mexico. That makes them ubiquitous, just not as ubiquitous as before, except on I-35 in Texas.
Owing to the recent economic unpleasantness, some debate exists as to whether the nation's fleet should be repurposed abroad, with a goal of restarting manufacture. It is entirely possible that a person or persons unknown are acting in Medford out of the suspicion that these Escorts have been employed in the thwarting of immigration enactments, knowing how many Escorts have been repurposed to Mexico.
Does anyone know the whereabouts of Lou Dobbs on the nights of the fires?
That Arsonist is a long way from being "right," starting with nascent pyromania and ending with his choice of target.
The Ford Escort of the nineties was a good kind of cheap, like a bologna sandwich made from name brand fixings. It was a great bologna sandwich on wheels, but that's all it ever would be. The engines had useful horsepower, and they were decent handlers on good tires, but it was purpose-built for transparency, universally adequate and uninspiring. The GT models charmed with 40 extra horsepower elicited the passion reserved for nude photos of Meryl Streep. (I'll look, but I doubt that I will become aroused.)
It was not bad, but it left the driver with the sense of being transported passively, much as if one had used public transit. It was cheap, dull, and until the recent unpleasantness, disposable.
Family members would give Escorts away until the point where nine-year-olds would curse about the potential cost of disposing of yet another Ford Escort. The well-meaning relative would be attempting to impress a kid and inspire a lifelong automotive enthusiasm. The nine-year-old would be lamenting the lack of a cash offering to be leveraged into the purchase of a bootleg copy of Grand Theft Auto:Peach City, featuring an even more phallic doppelganger for Atlanta's Westin Peachtree Plaza hotel.
This led to the employ of the first strategic abandonment technique: Enlist a tallish 12-to-15-year-old sibling, that young'un with the fever for getting behind the wheel of anything, and some of the ability to do something about it. Drive the Escort to a rough neighborhood, and leave it with the keys in the switch, the title on the driver's seat, with the windows open.
That would be how the police would find the Escort, often with the keys to hot-list luxury imports under the windshield wiper. These Escorts would find their way back to their rightful owners who had to lose another five bucks worth of GTA:PC savings on gas to try and dump the thing again.
In the nearly twenty year history of Escort-dumping this technique only worked once, at the home of one Austin Morris, in the Happy Holiday Acres Manufactured Home Plaza (nee Mobile Home Park), Emerson, Georgia. Mr. Austin Morris is a good friend and somewhat computer literate, promising to raise your Wandering Gentile's readership percentage by double digits...someday. He did quite well scavenging useful bits from abandoned Escorts and keeping his pricipal Escort in as-new condition.
On 12 May, 2005, while visiting his mother in Decatur, a freak windstorm removed Mr. Morris' Zayre Garden Storage Shed, featuring enough mechanical components to assemble up to six complete Escorts, given an adequate supply of bodies. Rumors of Escort parts raining in Hinesville, nearly 300 miles away, have been so viciously denied by authorities in Liberty County and on Fort Stewart that we are forced to believe that the rumors are true.
Mr. Morris, lacking the desire to continue using his wrench set, or collect his parts in Southeast Georgia, became a Toyota man, and hasn't had to fix squat since. And this has nothing to do with an individual torching Escorts 3000 miles away in Oregon. Yet.
The other Escort disposal technique was a much more successful codicil in the NAFTA treaty. Escorts are required to be towed out of the country as a condition of registering a Ford or Nissan pickup from the United States in Mexico. Of the 17 million Escorts manufactured between 1981 and 2001, fully 14 million have been expatriated/repatriated to Mexico. That makes them ubiquitous, just not as ubiquitous as before, except on I-35 in Texas.
Owing to the recent economic unpleasantness, some debate exists as to whether the nation's fleet should be repurposed abroad, with a goal of restarting manufacture. It is entirely possible that a person or persons unknown are acting in Medford out of the suspicion that these Escorts have been employed in the thwarting of immigration enactments, knowing how many Escorts have been repurposed to Mexico.
Does anyone know the whereabouts of Lou Dobbs on the nights of the fires?
All The Fits That's News To Print
Obama vs. Special Olympics
Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele expressed his grave displeasure about the quip comparing President Obama's bowling skills to the Special Olympics.
According to Steele "...(we) are a big tent party. While developmental and cognitive disabilities are not prerequisites for membership in the Republican party, those with developmental and cognitive disabilities are welcomed within our numbers. We are proud of our record in helping the mentally impaired, having elected George W. Bush, the first developmentally disabled President of the United States of America.
When asked to elaborate, nationally-syndicated radio host (and noted Hydrocephalic) Sean Hannity responded succinctly, "Urrrrgggghhh!"
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III vs. Human Decency
Joy defined: Rush Limbaugh on the snack aisle of a CVS, with an open OxyContin/Viagra bar. Rush's nickname is "Tiger," not derived from his long game on the links of the Dominican Republic, but from the fact that his little white balls are done with a small hole in four strokes or less.
Charles Grassley vs. AIG
After Senator Grassley (R-IA) suggested that seppuku would be an appropriate demonstration of contrition for bonus-receiving AIG executives, several AIG executives asked the Senator to demonstrate the proper technique.
Dick Cheney vs. Obama
Now, let me see if I get this straight. Dick Cheney is linked to Halliburton, an oil company. He states that President Obama is making the country vulnerable to terrorist attack. If terrorists attack, the price of oil takes off for the moon. Oh, snap, I forgot about lost revenue from no-bid contracts,opposed by the Obama administration. That's why Cheney and his pals are so upset. They would take a pay cut from a killing to a living.
Geithner and Obama vs. AIG
It's not about the bonuses. It's the fact that the new ownership of an enterprise has the right to reset compensation as they see fit. Ask anyone who works/worked for a company that merged, if they're still employed. Republicans only balked when they figured out that legislative leverage may be brought to bear in cases of tax benefits or corporate subsidies, a/k/a corporate welfare.
Sneaky damn Democrats! They almost got Republicans to require that Capitalists use Capitalism!
Bill Maher vs. Ann Coulter
In their male-appendage measuring contest, Mr. Maher lost.
Ms. Coulter is also uncircumcised.
Miami vs. West Palm Beach
Miami and West Palm Beach, two distinct media markets with individual urban centers have been merged into the same metropolitan area. Meanwhile, LA/Ventura/Riverside and San Francisco-Oakland/San Jose are considered to be separate metro areas despite being much more closely linked than Miami and West Palm.
Great, if having overlapping suburbs is a qualifier, let's merge Boston-Providence, Baltimore-Washington, San Antonio-Austin, Tampa-Orlando, and New York-Philadelphia. One is certain that the people in the smaller market will not mind losing their identity and character to the larger. Just ask Fort Worth.
Ann Coulter vs. Meghan McCain
For crying out loud, Ann Coulter has to run around in the shower to get wet. The woman doubles her weight by eating a Quarter-Pounder. In her world Nicole Richie and the anorexic Olsen Twin are buxom. Boobies are something to be envied, pertpetually inaccessible without surgical intervention.
Were a physical confrontation to occur, the well-endowed Miss McCain could swing one breast and knock Coulter into the next solar system. Hopefully, the other breast would send fascist runt Michelle Malkin into the next Galaxy.
My goodness, that last sentence almost works as rhyming slang.
The Wandering Gentile vs. Kim Kardashian's big ol' thick booty and awesome unibrow.
A man can dream, can't he?
Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele expressed his grave displeasure about the quip comparing President Obama's bowling skills to the Special Olympics.
According to Steele "...(we) are a big tent party. While developmental and cognitive disabilities are not prerequisites for membership in the Republican party, those with developmental and cognitive disabilities are welcomed within our numbers. We are proud of our record in helping the mentally impaired, having elected George W. Bush, the first developmentally disabled President of the United States of America.
When asked to elaborate, nationally-syndicated radio host (and noted Hydrocephalic) Sean Hannity responded succinctly, "Urrrrgggghhh!"
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III vs. Human Decency
Joy defined: Rush Limbaugh on the snack aisle of a CVS, with an open OxyContin/Viagra bar. Rush's nickname is "Tiger," not derived from his long game on the links of the Dominican Republic, but from the fact that his little white balls are done with a small hole in four strokes or less.
Charles Grassley vs. AIG
After Senator Grassley (R-IA) suggested that seppuku would be an appropriate demonstration of contrition for bonus-receiving AIG executives, several AIG executives asked the Senator to demonstrate the proper technique.
Dick Cheney vs. Obama
Now, let me see if I get this straight. Dick Cheney is linked to Halliburton, an oil company. He states that President Obama is making the country vulnerable to terrorist attack. If terrorists attack, the price of oil takes off for the moon. Oh, snap, I forgot about lost revenue from no-bid contracts,opposed by the Obama administration. That's why Cheney and his pals are so upset. They would take a pay cut from a killing to a living.
Geithner and Obama vs. AIG
It's not about the bonuses. It's the fact that the new ownership of an enterprise has the right to reset compensation as they see fit. Ask anyone who works/worked for a company that merged, if they're still employed. Republicans only balked when they figured out that legislative leverage may be brought to bear in cases of tax benefits or corporate subsidies, a/k/a corporate welfare.
Sneaky damn Democrats! They almost got Republicans to require that Capitalists use Capitalism!
Bill Maher vs. Ann Coulter
In their male-appendage measuring contest, Mr. Maher lost.
Ms. Coulter is also uncircumcised.
Miami vs. West Palm Beach
Miami and West Palm Beach, two distinct media markets with individual urban centers have been merged into the same metropolitan area. Meanwhile, LA/Ventura/Riverside and San Francisco-Oakland/San Jose are considered to be separate metro areas despite being much more closely linked than Miami and West Palm.
Great, if having overlapping suburbs is a qualifier, let's merge Boston-Providence, Baltimore-Washington, San Antonio-Austin, Tampa-Orlando, and New York-Philadelphia. One is certain that the people in the smaller market will not mind losing their identity and character to the larger. Just ask Fort Worth.
Ann Coulter vs. Meghan McCain
For crying out loud, Ann Coulter has to run around in the shower to get wet. The woman doubles her weight by eating a Quarter-Pounder. In her world Nicole Richie and the anorexic Olsen Twin are buxom. Boobies are something to be envied, pertpetually inaccessible without surgical intervention.
Were a physical confrontation to occur, the well-endowed Miss McCain could swing one breast and knock Coulter into the next solar system. Hopefully, the other breast would send fascist runt Michelle Malkin into the next Galaxy.
My goodness, that last sentence almost works as rhyming slang.
The Wandering Gentile vs. Kim Kardashian's big ol' thick booty and awesome unibrow.
A man can dream, can't he?
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