INDELICATE!

The Gentle Reader's forgiveness is begged. Your Wandering Gentile has been living in Girl World so long that he had not been to see Manny, Moe, and Jack since he and Moses (Horowitz)were working on an Oldsmobile together. One becomes inured to, if not indoctrinated in, Cute Shoes, Romance, and the ennui of nice.

Dude World recently made a roaring, drunken midnight phone call and connected deep within the confines of the Girl World inner sanctum where your Wandering Gentile dwells. You see, ABC Nightline did a segment on sexting. As if no one could have foreseen that teenagers and others with self-esteem issues might send naked pictures of themselves to others.

One imagines the very short time frame between the invention of the camera-equipped cell phone and the first sext, but one also imagines that quantum physicists have not established a reliable measure of such a short time frame.

Dude World rang with the revelation that one of the squeaky-clean, provisionally adult (old enough for voting, but not for drinking) female stars of a Disney entertainment franchise was photographed in the altogether. In the interest of responsible commentary, your Wandering Gentile was compelled to examine the uncensored photograph, several times. It was also bookmarked, and locked away behind a passcode.

Aside from being unable to dislodge The Cars' Moving In Stereo from my head, I feel quite well. Really.

The first shock upon seeing the photo was a discovery: pelt is back! Yes, the landing strip look sported by the dysfunctionally shorn singer-which made her appear as if she were smuggling an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich between her thighs-does not work for everyone. To the eight Vegans who are not yet on notice, wearing fur is okay if one grows one's own. Robin Williams is undoubtedly thrilled.

It is easy enough to imagine the things going through her father's mind. He is my contemporary. First of all, he does not wish to reminded that his daughter is a full-growed hottie, under any circumstances, by his contemporaries.

One would not wish to be the photographer of record, specifically at the moment that the young actress in question discards the photographer for a more suitable male companion. Speculation exists that the is her squeaky-clean male co-star from the Disney entertainment franchise.

Note to the co-star: having a male appendage and working in a family-oriented Disney project is like being Levi Johnston or a guy not named Scotty wearing a red shirt on Star Trek. You are defined as "expendable." Most of your fan base has moved on to Twilight, the author of which was treated was treated much too kindly by Stephen King.

Many of the girls swooning over the co-star and Twilight are likely to remember both as their parents recall St. Elmo's Fire...and promptly hide the medium where the file is stored. Much better, one sees, for avoiding the wrath of critical children.

Regrettably, several provisions of constitutional law, specifically enjoinders upon cruel and unusual punishment, prohibit the co-star from being locked up and obligated to watch his own films.

However, the actress' father has likely entertained the fantasy of presenting her co-star to a very large Corcoran inmate who has spent significant time without companionship. The resulting mayhem could be videographed by Michael Eisner, with the co-star's 1970-71 Bobby Brady haircut in peculiar juxtaposition to the Corcoran inmate, as the object of an industry-specific short-subject, So You Want To Renegotiate Your Disney Contract?

As much as the actress' father, Michael Eisner, the Corcoran inmate and I would sincerely enjoy realizing the preceding scenario, the most likely outcome is little better. The 405 and the 101 are filled with former teen idols racing to Hollywood auditions for cable-TV reality shows in dilapidated cars with their CHECK ENGINE lights glowing. One cannot walk down the street in Venice without tripping over Leif Garrett or a Bay City Roller.

When the bad haircut turns to a Wandering Gentile haircut, and he spends his afternoons trying to hook up with soccer moms who recall his heyday 30 years before, the co-star will be able to answer one question.

Is it better to be a has been at 24, or a never was at 42?