All The Fits That's News To Print

Obama vs. Special Olympics

Republican National Committee chair Michael Steele expressed his grave displeasure about the quip comparing President Obama's bowling skills to the Special Olympics.

According to Steele "...(we) are a big tent party. While developmental and cognitive disabilities are not prerequisites for membership in the Republican party, those with developmental and cognitive disabilities are welcomed within our numbers. We are proud of our record in helping the mentally impaired, having elected George W. Bush, the first developmentally disabled President of the United States of America.

When asked to elaborate, nationally-syndicated radio host (and noted Hydrocephalic) Sean Hannity responded succinctly, "Urrrrgggghhh!"

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III vs. Human Decency

Joy defined: Rush Limbaugh on the snack aisle of a CVS, with an open OxyContin/Viagra bar. Rush's nickname is "Tiger," not derived from his long game on the links of the Dominican Republic, but from the fact that his little white balls are done with a small hole in four strokes or less.

Charles Grassley vs. AIG

After Senator Grassley (R-IA) suggested that seppuku would be an appropriate demonstration of contrition for bonus-receiving AIG executives, several AIG executives asked the Senator to demonstrate the proper technique.

Dick Cheney vs. Obama

Now, let me see if I get this straight. Dick Cheney is linked to Halliburton, an oil company. He states that President Obama is making the country vulnerable to terrorist attack. If terrorists attack, the price of oil takes off for the moon. Oh, snap, I forgot about lost revenue from no-bid contracts,opposed by the Obama administration. That's why Cheney and his pals are so upset. They would take a pay cut from a killing to a living.

Geithner and Obama vs. AIG

It's not about the bonuses. It's the fact that the new ownership of an enterprise has the right to reset compensation as they see fit. Ask anyone who works/worked for a company that merged, if they're still employed. Republicans only balked when they figured out that legislative leverage may be brought to bear in cases of tax benefits or corporate subsidies, a/k/a corporate welfare.

Sneaky damn Democrats! They almost got Republicans to require that Capitalists use Capitalism!

Bill Maher vs. Ann Coulter

In their male-appendage measuring contest, Mr. Maher lost.

Ms. Coulter is also uncircumcised.

Miami vs. West Palm Beach

Miami and West Palm Beach, two distinct media markets with individual urban centers have been merged into the same metropolitan area. Meanwhile, LA/Ventura/Riverside and San Francisco-Oakland/San Jose are considered to be separate metro areas despite being much more closely linked than Miami and West Palm.

Great, if having overlapping suburbs is a qualifier, let's merge Boston-Providence, Baltimore-Washington, San Antonio-Austin, Tampa-Orlando, and New York-Philadelphia. One is certain that the people in the smaller market will not mind losing their identity and character to the larger. Just ask Fort Worth.

Ann Coulter vs. Meghan McCain

For crying out loud, Ann Coulter has to run around in the shower to get wet. The woman doubles her weight by eating a Quarter-Pounder. In her world Nicole Richie and the anorexic Olsen Twin are buxom. Boobies are something to be envied, pertpetually inaccessible without surgical intervention.

Were a physical confrontation to occur, the well-endowed Miss McCain could swing one breast and knock Coulter into the next solar system. Hopefully, the other breast would send fascist runt Michelle Malkin into the next Galaxy.

My goodness, that last sentence almost works as rhyming slang.

The Wandering Gentile vs. Kim Kardashian's big ol' thick booty and awesome unibrow.

A man can dream, can't he?