Necessary Laws

And now, a short list of laws that are not on the books, but need to be.

The Omnibus Condiment Act.- How many times must one enter a restaurant and discovered that the simple order or menu item comes with a bunch of things that are unnecessary and/or undesired?

The Omnibus Condiment Act would fix that. If I want a salad, I'll order one. If I want a burger, I'll order one of those. If there is a burger with a salad on top, WARN ME! As John Pinette says, salad is not food. Salad is what food eats.

Please do not get me started on Mayonnaise and Black Pepper. Undisclosed Mayonnaise and Black Pepper should be legislatively recognized with the punishment of having an umbrella opened in the offender's rectum.

SUV Pavement Reconstruction Levy.- Any SUV over a GVWR of 55oo pounds, as defined by the EPA, is compelled to pay a fee of US$1 per mile for every mile covered on pavement in situations not requiring four-wheel-drive. An additional US$1 per mile will be levied for every mile, per item, per vehicle: Wireless telephones, automatic transmissions, Starbucks cups (real coffee comes from the convenience store when not brewing from one's personal stash of Costa Rican beans), cosmetics sourced from a snotty individual at a high-end mall department store, and sunglasses costing over US$300.

Additionally, repeat offenders will be rehabilitated in a specially equipped Chevy Vega, Ford Pinto, or American Motors Gremlin.

National Munchie Corps.- On the model of the CCC during the Roosevelt Administration, the NMC will be tasked with the establishment of outlets from the following contractors at 50km (30 mile) intervals along the Interstate Highway System; Quik Trip, Whataburger, Del Taco, Krispy Kreme, Waffle House, Sbarro, Popeyes, and Quiznos. Additionally, NMC units will have a 50-unit motel, parking for 150-500 big trucks, and lots of green-friendly underground construction.

The Germans call this a Rasthaus, similar in execution but broader in mission than a turnpike service plaza in the United States. It would be easy to bash the idea as a government monopoly, but a publicly funded competitor...that is an idea which is not necessarily unappealing. Considering the deficit, government learning to compete is not such a bad thing at all.

And anyone who has driven from Seattle to Minneapolis understands that there is absolutely nothing to see, do, or eat if not in one of the five large towns over 1200 miles.

The mission of the Department of Transportation will be changed to assure that people who own recreational vehicles actually know how to drive the damn things before they get on the expressway. If you want to drive a house up I-95, fine. But you should be licensed to operate it on a level with a commercial driver.

Also, has anyone else figured out that large recreational vehicles are a very comfortable way to move contraband up and down the road, invisibly?

It would be easy to put a pallet of dope in a Winnebago in Miami, drive it up 95 to New York, park it and distribute in the Bronx, and basically all old people look alike to the law. No scales, no curiosity, no scrutiny. A Prevost could make two runs per week and supply the Northeast. Hello? Is there no crooked sheriff left in south Georgia with a distaste for wealthy Yankees?

Oh, I forgot, "Searching for contraband," is used to justify annoying young, economically disadvantaged, predominately minority people in US$500 vehicles sitting on US$2000 worth of custom tires and wheels. Messing with old people is verboten because they have lawyers, money, connections...

And if they also have contraband, the third thing in Warren Zevon's trifecta, guns, are abundant.

While ad hominem bills of attainder are unconstitutional, and we guarantee free speech, is there nothing that can be done to James Blunt and his ilk? It wouldn't be difficult to make the purveyors of miserable lite rock urinate down their legs in abject fear. The idea of locking them in a room with Lou Dobbs was considered, but if the eighth amendment can be applied to terror suspects, it also applies to lite rock artists.

It is a sad day when Joey Ramone, John Lennon, Buddy Holly, George Harrison, Bo Diddley, and Elvis Presley are all dead, but the Backdoor Boys, Celine Dion, James Blunt and N' Stync are all still drawing breath.

Ah, 110/70. I feel much better...

APOLOGIES

A few posts ago, Your Wandering Gentile mistakenly stated the following, and wishes to plead for the Gentle Reader's mercy.

The title "Miscellaneous Ramblings" was attributed to Autocar of the UK. The title is actually from Road and Track of the United States. I was thinking about "Jottings by the Scribe." Three listenings to "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias for your penitent Wandering Gentile.

When discussing the Electoral College, I said 535 members. Frickin DC, I totally left the poor district out. I should have said 538. Crap, that's at least an hour of Rush Limbaugh. Por mi maxima culpa.