My Left Foot

Canada is a wonderful place. It offers a point of view in reporting that brings an international perspective to US events in a form of the English language readily understandable to Americans. That is how the linked story from the CBC was discovered.

Short form- unidentified right feet are washing up on the beaches of British Columbia.

There is no mention of left feet arriving on Canadian shores, just rights. Size 12 to be specific.

For someone who wears size 12 shoes, such as Your Wandering Gentile, this is an alarming and disquieting trend. The fact that the RCMP have not been able to ascertain the owners of said feet is also discomfiting. US readers may not be familiar with the RCMP's mission, their knowledge of the agency being limited to Dudley Do-Right.

The RCMP are among the premier law enforcement agencies in the world, with a mission that ranges from being analogous to a county Sheriff in the United States, to similar functions as the FBI and DHS. At the moment, one must suspect that there are a few in the RCMP wishing for the positive public relations of Dudley Do-Right.

One would suspect that the owners of said disembodied feet would notice that they were missing, were they alive. Most everyone contacted in a brief query concurred, that they too would be at the very least somewhat cognizant and preoccupied by the missing appendage, and very likely to communicate with authorities with regard to the loss.

The RCMP have not received such communication from individuals, presumably male or one of my exes, regarding right feet that are AWOL. Thus, the appropriate Canadian agency is developing DNA profiles of the feet.

Lets get this out of the way-we are not aware of who may be footing the bill, doing the appropriate legwork, or if anyone has handicapped the RCMP in their enquiries.

That had to be said.

The Canadian media have found possibilities with regard to possible accidental sources of the missing feet. The suggestion that the same appendage coming free and reaching Vancouver-area beaches, all the same size, with regard to the same 2005 civil aviation incident, requires more than a willing suspension of disbelief. When faced with the fact that no other pieces from other parts of the body have made a return in a similar fashion, one may suggest that this is unrelated.

The problem is that the Canadians may be functioning under a presumption made necessary by the model of British law. That is to say that someone may live without an appendage, and the possibility that no crime may have been committed. Hypothetically, a group of cultists in nearby Washington state may have embraced self-mutilation, and a Pacific current may have carried the remnants of said action into Canadian waters.

In that case, no crime has been committed in Canada, save for being a litterbug, and without a culprit, not even a citation may be issued. Sharp raders may observe that this line of thinking follows a key plot development of Road Games, a 1981 Stacy Keach/Jamie Lee Curtis movie made in Australia.

The RCMP is facing several challenges. Unidentified feet coming ashore without their owners are something that make the populace a bit uncomfortable at the very least. Television is more than willing to embrace the concept of boots-to take a bit of literary license-landing on Canadian shores with nothing more than feet included. And humour-intensive Canadians will find a great ability to tweak one of their institutions of government.

Lest Americans forget, we do not have a sense of humour. We have humor, without the extra u. Canada supplies the US with comedians, under a 1972 treaty where cast-off small arms are given to the Dominion's modest thug community in trade. Tommy Chong was the first comedian exported under a 1968 pilot program. America is working on a program(me) where we trade verbose media bigots for Poutine, but the Canadians are wisely hesitant.

Lamentably, that still leaves the RCMP in Vancouver with four large feet sitting, presumably, in lost and found. One hopes that the lost and found is refrigera-...wait a minute... it's in Canada!

It's a mess for the Canadians, but they should take solace in one point. They do not have the same concerns as authorities on our side of the border.

If one tunes to the local 5 p.m. newscast in Atlanta, there is a warehouse fire (with helicopter-justifying skycam coverage). An apartment complex fire features a man in a cowboy hat, leather biker jacket, frilly tuxedo shirt, Jams, Crocs, and My Little Pony socks, telling how he woke the neighbors when he smelled smoke. He would be the arsonist; he did not dress in the dark; he has crappy taste in clothes. And there is a shooting in an economically disadvantaged school, where the pregnant, sixteen-year-old interviewee tells Eyewitless News that she "...dint see s***. I'm like Sergeant Schultz up in this m*****f*****, and if you don't want to get your a** shot, you will be too." That gets edited unless it's a ratings sweep month, when it only gets bleeped.

We don't have mystery feet show up. In Atlanta we have entire unidentified skeletons, with such frequency that they seldom, if ever, lead the news. Basically, the anchor states "(jurisdiction) Police report the discovery of unidentified skeletal remains on a secluded wooded area," and moves on to coverage from the entrance of a local sports venue.

Your Wandering Gentile is optimistic that the owners of the missing feet will be identified. It is our confidence that Canadian authorities tend to be competent, courteous and efficient, leading to a great resolution.

And if we encounter any skeletons missing a large right foot in Georgia, we'll let you know.

If we remember.