Debunking The News

If one reads the newspaper or receives the news directly from television or an internet connection, as the case may be, there are a few things which deserve to be debunked. One does not refer to the strict partisanship of Fox News or NPR , but rather the orthodox phrasing which masks the true meaning of what has just been said.

Thus, with no further ado, Your Wandering Gentile offers a comprehensive, although not completely conclusive list of bogus words, phrases and comments found in the news.

A Long Illness- Cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's.

A Short Illness- The deceased dropped face-first in his plate at dinner. Survivors regret that it did not happen at Chuck E. Cheese as opposed to a restaurant they liked.

Popular- Any teenager who gets shot.

Honor Student- The teenager was also a member of a historically marginalized population.

In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time- Was probably doing something wrong, but it can't be proved, thus exposing Media Conglomerate News to a lot of libel litigation if we say so.

Friend and Adviser; Unpaid Adviser- Goon, Hatchet Man, Golf/Drinking Buddy. Unlikely to be fired.

Firebrand, Populist- Loudmouth, Bigot. (See: Bunker, Archie; Dobbs, Lou.)

New Revenue Sources- Higher taxes.

A Controversial Policy- Usually something which leads to a Fundamental Reconsideration or a Clean Break With The Past.

Fundamental Reconsideration- We realized that we screwed up, and are going nuts trying to fix it before we lose our collective tuchas.

Clean Break With The Past- If you have fecal incontinence issues, don't sleep in the nude. We learned this one the hard way.

Economic Downturn- Well, it sounds much better than Recession or Depression, doesn't it?

Recession- Depression

Depression- Economic armageddon. Completely failed nation-state. (See Zimbabwe.)

Zimbabwe- How a country with prodigious resources and talent can be converted into an utter cesspool through spectacularly poor leadership. (See Robert Mugabe.)

Robert Mugabe- The Shona-language term which most closely approximates George W. Bush.

A Mutual Separation- Everyone was REALLY annoyed, but no gunfire was exchanged.

Exchanged Gunfire- What is this, Christmas? It's called a gun battle!

We have realized a change in direction.- Catastrophic failure is imminent.

We are reassessing our options.- God almighty, that HURTS!

We regret any inconvenience this may have caused.- Not really; we are just covering ourselves. But it sounds nice, doesn't it?

We discovered adjustments and revised our estimates.- Miraculously not releasing our new numbers until 4:05pm on Friday, after our CEO cashed out his stock options and was in the air on a plane from Miami to the republic of Dinero Lavado. (It's on the tapestry at Cooter Holler Elementary in Wolfboro, GA, and was the setting for most "A-Team" episodes.)

The time is not right for us to pursue this opportunity.- We are out of money.

Let's not rush to judgement with legislation.- That hooker the lobbyist sent looked just like Reese Witherspoon. She smelled good, too.

More industry oversight is unnecessary.- You're darn tootin'. That would just document that more people lost their homes and retirement savings to undisciplined greed than gay weddings, abortion, illegal immigration, restrictive gun laws and a lack of drug interdiction combined.

I haven't heard any negative feedback, and I am shocked to discover that some individuals are calling for our professional relationship to end.- You haven't got anything on me, and I found another job anyway. Either way, I can afford to be both smarmy and indifferent.

I do not believe that there has been any inappropriate activity.- I don't think anyone has video or any kind of tangible evidence linking me to the misbehavior.

Video Leads To Investigation- This is 2009, fool. Everybody and his mother has a cell phone that takes video. Do not screw around. Even paranoids have enemies.

Results Are Inconclusive.- We either don't care or have a real good reason for not wanting or having a public result. (Think WMDs, c.2003) Either way, we don't really know any more than we did before we started. How about some nice Britney Spears Gossip? TMZ is on channel 5 right now!

Investigation Could End Soon.- Investigation was over some time ago. We have been out of clues for quite a while, but we liked being on television, looking like we're earning a living.

Possibility Of A Compromise- Not really, we're just messing with you. If a compromise were possible, it already would have happened.

A penalty of up to...- If suspect was wealthy or famous at any point in time, multiply by a factor of 0-0.25. If suspect is needy (poor), he should pray that the lapsed insurance violation doesn't get him a trip to Old Sparky.

Getting His (or Her) Life Back Together- Just got out out of the joint and/or shot, applied for a job at Burger King. Wasn't qualified for the position before being incarcerated and/or shot.

Aspiring performer- Unemployed and unemployable. Also just got out of the joint and/or shot.

Memoir of Historical Experiences- A very bad book derived from a deal of personal and political patronage. Will be offloaded at huge discounts to institutions for the tax write-off against the profits from the latest blockbuster novel from a name-brand author.

I have concluded that the circumstances require me to withdraw my name from consideration for the position, and allow the important work that needs to be done to move forward without delay.- Dude, I am seriously overqualified for this crap job. My agent just got me a kick-ass deal on a Memoir of Historical Experiences that pays me like five years in this job I could do in my sleep, no vetting required. Call me when you got something I need my skills for. A'ite? Peace!

What you have to understand is...- I am flat out of cogent arguments supporting my position, thus I have to maintain the illusion of reason by using a phrase designed to ridicule and subvert the cognitive ability of those who disagree with my opinion.

This process is not at an end- Oh yes, it is.