What Men Want

Every year that I have been in a relationship, I have faced the query about what I want for my birthday/christmas/anniversary gift.

That is about as pointless a question as has ever been asked. Most men like the same things. It does not have to be so hard as asking a question he should not answer.

Men do not want apparel. Unless you find the one in a million who is an honest Metrosexual...to wit a heterosexual who shops for shoes, HE DOES NOT WANT CLOTHES, PARTICULARLY CUTE ONES!!!!! All men have been getting "cute" clothes since they were born. We do not notice. If you want to get his attention, find the gaudiest T-shirt featuring the name of his favorite sports club and offer that. In my case, anything featuring the Atlanta Braves or the Miami Dolphins works fine. A Milan AC soccer shirt would be good too, as it combines one of my favorite sports with my favorite kind of car. How cool is that? It is a 43 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Men are by nature sexual. E mail him a naked picture of a breast he knows, nipple and all. If you wish to be unforgettable, that's a good one. We are quite fond of breasts, and even a bad one is still pretty good. There is no such thing as a bad nipple. There are asymetrical nipples, hard nipples, soft nipples, even suggestions of beer flavored nipples, but THERE ARE NO BAD NIPPLES!

Compliment his driving/directional acumen. He could get lost going two doors down to the convenience store with the 10'x10' fluorescent sign any other day, but if you wish to make an occasion, make him feel like a cross between Magellan and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. If you get really lost, start in after midnight and plan accordingly. You might even find out you like the worst neighborhood in the nearest big city.

Give him something tacky for the car. Not a problem if you own a Honda, but having a set of loud dual exhausts put on the V6 minivan requires chutzpah, and says "I love you" a hell of a lot better than something from the greeting card store. Bonus points are given for racing stripes, naked lady hood ornaments, curb feelers and anything from a truck stop with a Barjan package.
The polite car is a bit emasculating.

You have access to all the money and title to all of the female genitalia. Do not consider pornography to be your enemy, but rather, your ally in obseving new techniques. Particularly with men native to the Americas, men are enthusiastic adopters of new methods and behaviors especially in the bedroom. Lovemaking is a means of communication, and honestly, inhibition in bed walls off a viable and highly useful arena for opening up a dialog regarding feelings.

Okay, that's horsecrap, but it is very useful for getting him to clean out the garage because he owes you. Do something well enough and the TV doesn't move off Lifetime for a week.

Beer! Beer! Beer! All men love beer! More is better, his favorite brand is best.

Sports are important. If you want a man to get weak in the knees, a sporting event is always a good place to start. What is vital is knowing the sport that rocks his world. You must find out whether he likes a sport in season during the occasion. A NASCAR fan is out of luck at Christmas, and a Basketball fan has issues with an August birthday.

Take the heat from his ex. If you, like many women, are involved with a man who has children from a previous relationship, he still wants to hear from the younguns. What he has heard enough of, is what a sorry rat bastard he is from his ex. More than enough. It is still the kid's father's birthday, his birthday, or Christmas. Not that I have ever gotten that more than half a dozen times in 13 years, but you get the point about the issue. He can love your kids as much as his own, but if you keep pushing him to take the heat from his ex, that's a great way to find the off ramp from the relationship. You don't have to like her, but for God's sake, you can bury the hatchet for a day, right?

A favorite activity is good. But make sure the activity suits the person. A man who lives on Manhattan's Upper West Side and drives a Porsche 911 is probably not the camping type, and you'll do more harm than good taking a Conservative to a meeting of environmental activists. The occasion for a man should affirm his desires. You can work on the makeover on another date. Let him be himself, if only for a day.

Movies! Explosions! Gun Battles! Popcorn! Soda! MILK DUDS!!! Gratuitous Tittie jokes! The drama that won all the prizes can wait, unless you fancy the above on your birthday...
(Although a strategically located Milk Dud can be a gift that keeps on giving for both of you.)

Most of all, a gift is about who the recipient is, not who you want them to be.

Once that comes in clear, the intended recipient is much more receptive to constructive and productive changes.